“My daughter scratched her arm with a pen after I scolded her. She’s only 10. I was shocked, angry, and scared all at once.”
You’re not alone. More and more parents are noticing their children doing things like scratching themselves with pens, biting their hands, or even hitting themselves when they’re upset.
These actions may look small on the surface — but they can be signs of big emotions on the inside. And no, they’re not just for attention or “being dramatic.” Self-harm is often a child’s way of saying: “I don’t know how to deal with this pain.”
1. Why Would a Child Hurt Themselves?
Kids usually don’t have the words or tools to talk about overwhelming emotions. When they feel scared, ashamed, angry, or deeply sad, some may turn that pain inward.
Some possible reasons:
- Emotional release: They don’t know how to say “I’m angry” or “I’m hurt,” so they hurt their body instead.
- Protest or frustration: It can be a way of pushing back when they feel powerless or misunderstood.
- To get attention: Not in a manipulative way — but because it’s the only time someone really notices how badly they feel.
- To punish themselves: After being scolded, some kids believe they deserve to suffer.
It’s not about being “bad” or “sick” — it’s a signal that your child is overwhelmed and doesn’t know what else to do.
2. What Not to Say
When a child self-harms, it’s natural to feel shocked. But certain reactions can make the problem worse:
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “You’re just trying to scare me!”
- “Stop being ridiculous!”
These responses can cause shame and push your child further away. Instead, they need calm and care.
3. What Can Parents Do?
Stay calm, even if you’re scared or upset.
Take a deep breath and focus on your child, not just the behavior.
Try saying:
- “Were you feeling really upset when you did that?”
- “I care about how you feel. Let’s talk about it.”
Gently care for any injuries.
Clean the area and apply cream if needed. This shows love and helps build trust — it’s not the time to lecture.
Create healthy ways to express emotions.
Give your child safe tools like drawing, writing, or using playdough when upset.
You can say: “Next time you feel angry or sad, you can come talk to me or scribble it out on paper.”
Rethink discipline.
Scolding without explanation can cause fear, not learning. Try:
“I was upset because I want you to be safe. But I still love you, always.”
4. When to Get Professional Help
Some kids need extra support, and that’s okay.
Please reach out to a mental health professional if:
- Your child self-harms more than once
- They seem withdrawn, anxious, or sad for more than 2 weeks
- They say things like “I don’t want to be here”
- You feel unsure about how to help them
Early help makes a big difference. You’re not failing — you’re being a brave parent.
5. Final Thought: You Are Your Child’s Safe Place
When your child shows pain in a scary way, they’re not trying to hurt you — they’re trying to say, “Please see me. Please help me.”
Let them know:
“You’re not alone.”
“You can always talk to me.”
“Your feelings matter.”
These words are powerful. They heal more than we think.
