In our daily lives, we often unintentionally use common phrases to educate our children, such as:
- "Why are you so naughty? You're always worrying the adults!"
- "I've told you so many times, why can't you do it? You are so stupid!"
- "You're such a crybaby, you're so weak!"
These words might come from disappointment or a desire to encourage the child to improve, but we often overlook that our words are not just tools for communication; they are also psychological cues.
Especially the above phrases, which are all examples of "negative language."
These phrases do not only fail to educate children; they may even backfire, making the children more rebellious and lose their motivation to improve.
Negative Language as a Psychological Suggestion
Parents often find that when they say, "Don't step in the puddle!" the child immediately jumps into a larger puddle; or when they say, "Don’t touch that cup of water," the child knocks it over immediately. Why do children often disobey even though they are reminded?
Psychology has a well-known concept called the "white bear effect": the more we try not to think about something, the more it comes to our mind. Similarly, when we try to suppress a certain thought, it becomes more pronounced in our minds.
For children, their cognitive processes are more concrete and visual. Negative words like "don’t" lack clear visual representation in their minds, and they are more likely to focus on the specific actions like "step" or "touch."
From a child’s perspective, these words are not a prohibition but rather a suggestion, making the forbidden actions more attractive. Our "negative language" inadvertently draws the child’s attention to the "wrong behavior," making it seem like the child is intentionally causing trouble, which is actually unfair to the child.
How Negative Feedback Affects Children’s Behavior
When children’s actions do not meet parents' expectations, we often criticize or complain without realizing the effects of this behavior:
- "Why are you so disobedient?"
- "Why are you always so careless?"
- "I’ve told you this many times, why can’t you remember?"
While the intention behind these words is to correct the child and help them understand what is right, from a psychological perspective, criticism, complaint, and negative feedback are forms of "negative responses."
Studies have shown that negative feedback does not help children correct mistakes. Instead, it may increase feelings of frustration and anxiety, or lead them to adopt a "nothing matters anymore" attitude, causing them to continue making the same mistakes.
Long-Term Impact of Negative Language on Children
Over time, constant exposure to negative language can damage a child’s self-esteem and motivation to improve. Phrases like "stupid" or "disobedient" may be unintentional, but they can have a long-term effect on the child.
Many parents habitually describe their child’s behavior or personality with negative labels. They tend to focus on the child's flaws or mistakes, ignoring their strengths or efforts. This type of labeling creates a negative perception of the child, leading them to believe that they are lazy, careless, or mischievous.
In the long run, children may begin to develop a negative self-image like "I can't do anything right" or "I will never meet expectations."
The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
Psychological theories like "self-efficacy" and "self-fulfilling prophecy" explain how children internalize and embody the labels and expectations placed on them. According to the self-fulfilling prophecy, when children are constantly labeled with negative expectations, they are subconsciously more likely to act in ways that match these expectations.
This creates a cycle where children begin to believe they are incapable, lazy, or incompetent, and they begin to act according to this belief, further reinforcing the negative perception.
How to Correct Negative Feedback
If you’ve caught yourself using negative language, try the following two steps before reacting emotionally:
- Pause and Breathe: When we see our child making a mistake, it’s normal to feel anxious, disappointed, or angry. These emotions can lead to quick, impulsive reactions. Try to take a deep breath to calm yourself before responding. This helps you express disappointment in a calm, constructive way, providing the child with an opportunity to understand and reflect on their behavior.
- Focus on the Behavior, Not the Child: Instead of attacking the child’s character, describe the situation and focus on the behavior. Offer constructive feedback and guidance to help them improve. This way, the child understands what needs to be improved without feeling personally attacked or criticized.
For example:
- Avoid: "Why are you always so slow?"
- Try: "Let’s speed up so we can finish and watch a cartoon together."
- Avoid: "You are so careless!"
- Try: "You made the same mistake twice. Can you tell me how you thought about it? Maybe you can double-check next time."
- Avoid: "Why are you so disobedient?"
- Try: "I noticed you didn’t follow our agreement. Let’s stop for a moment and see where things went wrong. I want to hear your thoughts."
It takes time to shift to positive language, but these small changes can create a more positive, encouraging atmosphere that helps children develop confidence and self-awareness.
Reference
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. W.H. Freeman and Company.
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
Haimovitz, K., & Dweck, C. S. (2017). The origins of children's growth and fixed mindsets: New research and a new proposal. Psychological Science, 28(6), 715–723.
