A mother recently shared her story with us:
"My son is 20 months old. I’ve noticed that he’s become very sensitive. If another child gets angry with him or accidentally bumps into him, he’ll cry or get upset. And if another child hits him, he cries a lot—sometimes even hits himself during a meltdown. It’s heartbreaking. Why would he hurt himself like that? Other kids don’t seem to act this way.
Is it something I did wrong as a mom? I sometimes lose my temper, especially before my period, and I’ve been quite harsh toward my husband. I read an article online about how dominant mothers can negatively affect their kids. Could this be why my child reacts like this when something upsets him?
When he hits himself, I hold his head gently so he doesn’t hurt himself and I comfort him softly. Am I doing the right thing? Would focusing more on my marriage help him feel safer?"
Let’s take a deeper look into this mother’s concern and what the latest child psychology says about it.
Why Do Young Children Sometimes Hit Themselves?
It might seem shocking, but self-hitting is actually not uncommon among toddlers. At this age (especially between 1–3 years old), a child’s brain is still learning how to understand emotions and control reactions. When something frustrates or overwhelms them—and they don’t yet have the words to explain it—they may express it through their body: crying, screaming, hitting others, or even hitting themselves.
According to the American Psychological Association, this is a developmental stage for many children and doesn’t mean something is seriously wrong.
Child expert Dr. Laura Markham puts it this way:
“Children aren’t trying to be difficult. They’re struggling to manage emotions that feel too big for them.”
Why Would a Child Hurt Themselves Instead of Others?
There are several possible reasons:
- Emotional overload: When a child feels too much frustration or sadness, they need a release—and may not know a healthy way to do it yet.
- Self-blame: Some sensitive children may blame themselves when things go wrong, even if it's not their fault.
- Attention-seeking: It may be the child’s way of saying “Please notice how upset I am!”
- Imitation: If children often see anger or harsh behavior around them, they may copy it—sometimes turning it inward.
Is a Strong or Harsh Parenting Style to Blame?
This mom asked a brave and honest question: “Is it because I’m too harsh toward my husband?”
It’s true that a child’s emotional world is closely tied to the emotional tone at home. If the atmosphere often feels tense, unpredictable, or critical, children may feel anxious or unsure. They might express that by reacting strongly to small problems or turning stress inward.
But this doesn’t mean you’ve “ruined” your child or are a bad mom. In fact, just asking this question shows you care deeply.
Research from Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child shows:
“Even in a stressful home, having just one emotionally available adult makes a huge difference for a child’s well-being.”
So yes, if you want to work on your relationship with your partner and create a warmer home—it will absolutely help your child. But don’t let guilt overwhelm you. You’re already taking steps in the right direction.
What Can Parents Do When a Child Hits Themselves?
Here are some gentle and effective ways to respond:
- Stay Calm and Offer Comfort
When your child hits himself, gently stop him from getting hurt by holding his hand or head. Then say something like:
“I see you’re really upset. I’m here. I won’t let you hurt yourself.”
This teaches him that emotions are okay—but hurting himself isn’t the way to express them. - Help Him Name His Feelings
Even if he can’t talk much yet, you can “translate” his feelings for him:
“You’re sad because your friend took your toy.”
“You’re angry because someone pushed you.”
The more you do this, the better he’ll get at using words instead of actions to express himself. - Create a Safe, Warm Home Atmosphere
If you often feel irritable (especially before your period), try to:
- Let your family know in advance: “I may feel grumpy this week, but it’s not your fault.”
- Use small self-care tricks like deep breathing, walks, or journaling.
- Apologize if you lose your temper—this models emotional maturity.
When kids see parents managing stress with kindness, they learn to do the same.
- Get Professional Help if Needed
If your child’s self-harming behavior happens very often or becomes more intense over time, it may be helpful to talk to a child psychologist or pediatrician who understands early emotional development.
A Note for Every Worried Mom
Let me leave you with this powerful quote from a parenting expert:
“You don’t have to be a perfect mom. You just have to be a present one.”
You’re showing love, self-reflection, and a willingness to grow. That’s exactly what your child needs.
