A Real-Life Example
A mom once shared this:
“My daughter is always acting up at school. The teacher said she doesn’t follow rules and asked if anyone disciplines her at home. Then my mother-in-law said, ‘She needs someone to be afraid of, or she’ll never behave.’”
In my own parenting journey, I’ve also heard elders say, “A child must have someone they’re afraid of, or you won’t be able to manage them when they grow up.” But honestly, my relationship with my child has been pretty close and warm. When she makes mistakes, I do correct her firmly, but most of the time, we’re more like friends — we lie in bed together, chat, and share what’s on our hearts.
Maybe you’ve heard something similar from a teacher, grandparent, or even a parenting book. Many parents wonder: Do kids really need to fear someone in order to behave? Let’s look deeper into this common belief.
Why Do Some Say Kids Need to Be Afraid?
You might hear things like:
- “Kids must have a strict parent, or they’ll get out of hand.”
- “Without fear, there’s no respect.”
- “Parents can’t treat kids like equals.”
But does fear really work? And is it healthy?
What Happens When Kids Are Afraid?
Fear can make kids quiet or obedient — for a while. But it doesn’t build true understanding.
When children obey because they’re afraid:
- They’re not learning right from wrong — just what not to get caught doing.
- They may feel anxious, angry, or even ashamed.
- It damages the parent-child relationship and can lead to long-term emotional harm.
Research from child psychologists like John Bowlby shows that strong relationships based on love and trust are what help children grow well — not fear.
Real Authority Comes From Connection, Not Control
Let’s clarify something: Being a strong paBrent doesn’t mean being a scary parent.
There’s a big difference between:
- Authoritarian parenting (harsh, fear-based, “Do as I say!”)
- Authoritative parenting (firm but warm, “Here’s why this matters.”)
Studies show that authoritative parenting — with clear rules, emotional support, and respectful communication — leads to:
- Better emotional health
- More self-control
- Stronger relationships with parents
What Are the Risks of Fear-Based Parenting?
- Outward obedience, inner resentment
Kids may do what you say but feel hurt or angry inside. - Rebellion later on
Children raised with harsh control often act out in their teens or adulthood. - Broken trust
Fear drives a wedge between parents and children. And trust, once lost, is hard to rebuild.
So What Works Better?
1. Set Rules with Love
Children need boundaries — but they can be given gently.
Try this:
“We clean up after dinner,” instead of “If you don’t clean up, no TV!”
2. Let Feelings Be Expressed
It’s okay if kids cry or protest. Help them label and understand their emotions.
That’s how they learn to manage them.
3. Focus on Connection
Your child should feel safe with you — even when they make mistakes.
Trust makes them more likely to follow your guidance, not less.
Final Thoughts: Trust Over Fear
So, does your child need someone to fear? No. What they truly need is someone they can trust.
Being a parent is not about power — it’s about presence. When kids feel safe and understood, they thrive.
When they respect you from the heart, not out of fear, they grow into confident and kind human beings.
Next time someone says, “Kids need someone to fear,”you might say, “I’d rather my child trust me than fear me.”
