I once read a letter from a mom asking a parenting expert for help. She wrote:
“I have a 15-year-old daughter, and we have a terrible relationship. She doesn’t accept my care or love, and it really hurts me. Sometimes I even cry or threaten to hurt myself just to get her to notice me—but it doesn’t work…”
She went on to share a few examples from everyday life:
- It’s cold outside, but her daughter refuses to wear more clothes.
- Her favorite shoes are broken, but she still won’t wear the new shoes mom bought.
- One day after tutoring class, it was raining and freezing, so the mom went to pick her up—but the daughter was upset and insisted on walking home alone.
If you’re a parent reading this, you might feel that pain too. “I’m just trying to love my child. Why does it feel like she’s pushing me away?”
The truth is, many parent-teen conflicts come from one simple problem: unclear boundaries.
Teens Change—And That’s Normal
One of the biggest shifts during the teenage years is this: they want more independence.
They don’t want you picking their clothes anymore.
They don’t want you managing every part of their life.
They want to make their own choices—even if those choices don’t always make sense to you.
For example, when my daughter was younger, she wore whatever I picked. But now? She chooses what she thinks looks good. She fixes her hair the way she wants. Even if I think it’s not the best style, she insists on her own way.
This isn’t rebellion. It’s growing up.
Why We Feel Hurt as Parents
We’re used to being needed. We’ve spent years dressing them, feeding them, reminding them of everything.
So when they start saying “no thanks,” it feels personal. It feels like rejection.
But they’re not rejecting us—they’re trying to figure out who they are.
The more we try to control them, the more they push back.
So What Can We Do Instead?
1. Shift from Control to Respect
Let your teen make age-appropriate decisions, even if they make mistakes. That’s how they learn.
If her shoes are broken and she insists on wearing them, let her. When she gets cold or uncomfortable, she’ll figure it out.
2. Don’t Use Guilt to Get Closer
Crying or emotionally pressuring your teen won’t help the relationship—it’ll actually push them farther away.
Instead, calmly share your feelings:
“I was worried when it rained today—that’s why I came to pick you up. I know you want your space, but I just care about you.”
3. Keep the Door Open for Connection
Teens don’t like lectures, but they still want to connect. Find something she enjoys—maybe a show, fashion, music—and start conversations there.
When it feels like a two-way talk, not a lesson, she’s more likely to open up.
4. Rethink Your Role
Don’t see your teen as “just a kid” anymore. Start treating them as a young adult. Offer advice—but accept that they might choose differently.
Clear boundaries make both of you feel more respected and safe.
Final Thoughts
Teens are like trees trying to grow toward the sunlight. You can’t tie them down with ropes, and you can’t ignore them either. You stand nearby—supporting, trimming where needed—but mostly, you let them grow. Setting healthy boundaries doesn’t mean loving less. It means loving better.
