When a child works hard to complete their homework but starts crying just because they were criticized for looking at their phone for a moment; when they lose their confidence after being scolded by a teacher at school and even refuse to go back; or when they cannot let go of a mild reminder from someone, repeatedly overthinking it… In these situations, parents may say, “You’re just too proud, you can’t handle any criticism!” But is the situation really that simple?
In fact, the reason children can’t handle criticism may not necessarily be because their pride is too strong. It could be because their "other-esteem" (relying on others' opinions) is too prominent. So, what is "other-esteem"?
Self-Esteem vs. Other-Esteem
"Self-esteem" is like a small flame inside the child, fueled by “self-affirmation and encouragement” from within, and continually added to by the child themselves. Even in the dark, this little flame can still light the way forward.
On the other hand, “other-esteem” is like a spotlight on a stage, making the child the center of attention, drawing praise and recognition from others. However, this light isn’t controlled by the child but depends on external validation. When the light suddenly goes out, children who rely on it may feel lost, sad, ashamed, and disappointed.
This is why children often break down emotionally when faced with criticism.
How Can We Help Children Build True Self-Esteem?
If children always rely on external evaluations to confirm their worth, and judge right or wrong based on others' reactions, they may only be cultivating “other-esteem.” But if they can think independently, face criticism rationally, dare to challenge themselves, and look for growth opportunities in constructive feedback, they are on their way to building real self-esteem.
True self-esteem is not dependent on external praise and attention, but rather on the child’s inner strength and confidence. So, how can parents help their children develop this internal strength?
1. Let Your Child Hear Positive Self-Talk
When children encounter difficulties, encourage them to say to themselves: "I’ve already tried hard and made some progress." or "It’s okay, I can try other methods." Positive self-talk helps guide the child’s thinking in a positive direction and prevents them from falling into self-doubt and negative thinking.
2. Guide Your Child to Identify and Challenge Irrational Thoughts
Sometimes, children may have extreme thoughts like, "I must be perfect, or I’ve failed." As a parent, you can help adjust their mindset by saying, "Every bit of progress is worth acknowledging, even if it’s just a small step forward."
3. Encourage Your Child to Stop Comparing Themselves Unfairly
Children might say, "Others are naturally smart, beautiful, and lucky; how can I compare?" Parents can guide them by pointing out, "Everyone starts from a different place and has their own pace of growth. You don’t need to measure your worth by other people’s achievements."
4. Teach Your Child to Accept Praise
When others compliment your child, encourage them to say, "Thank you!" Learning to accept and appreciate compliments helps children build a healthy self-image, without relying on external validation to feel good about themselves.
Key Takeaways
When a child can’t handle criticism, it’s not necessarily because their self-esteem is too high, but because they may be overly reliant on external evaluation and attention. As parents, we can help children develop true self-esteem, so they can remain emotionally stable when faced with both criticism and praise, without easily being swayed by others' opinions. By providing love and recognition, we can help children cultivate their inner light and keep moving forward confidently, no matter what happens around them.
