Have you ever caught yourself doing this?
You weren’t allowed to eat snacks as a kid, so now you stock up on them.
You never got the toy you wanted, so now you collect them like treasures.
You wore hand-me-downs growing up, so now you shop for clothes all the time.
You didn’t feel loved or seen at home, so now you give too much—or ask for too much—in relationships.
These are more than just habits. They may be signs of something deeper: trying to give our inner child the things they never had.
A friend of mine kept having the same strange dream. In the dream, he finally had a video game console. He was so happy—until he woke up and realized it wasn’t real. The funny thing is, he’s not even into gaming. He hardly plays.
Later, he remembered how his dad had promised to buy him a console several times but never did. Every time, he got his hopes up and was let down. I told him, “Maybe you should just buy one now—for your younger self.” He did. And guess what? He never had that dream again.
Sometimes, what looks like a random purchase or decision is actually us trying to heal from something old. In psychology, this is called compensatory behavior—when we try to make up for emotional needs that weren’t met during childhood.
What Is Compensatory Behavior?
It happens when we grow up and try to fill the gaps left by childhood hurts or unmet needs. It’s not always about "getting back" at someone, but more like our inner child saying, “I finally get to decide.”
You’re not being selfish or dramatic. You’re just trying to feel in control, worthy, and seen—because maybe you didn’t feel that way growing up.
How Does This Show Up in Adult Life?
- Buying things we couldn't afford or weren't allowed to have as kids
- Always needing to prove ourselves at work or in school
- Feeling overly sensitive to rejection or criticism
- Giving too much in relationships, or being afraid of being left behind
- Trying too hard to be the best parent, partner, or worker—because we were once told we weren’t "enough"
The problem is, even if we get what we want now, the feeling doesn’t always last. That’s because we’re filling a deep emotional hole with surface-level things. It may work for a while, but it doesn’t heal the root.
So What Can We Do as Parents Today?
Many of us were raised by parents who didn’t know how to meet our emotional needs. But now, we have a chance to break the cycle. Here’s how:
1. Listen without judging
When your child says they want something, don’t just shut them down. Try asking, “Why do you like it?” You might learn something about what they need or how they feel.
2. Let them make small choices
Give them chances to pick their clothes, snacks, or activities. It helps them feel trusted and respected.
3. Avoid words that shame or compare
Phrases like “You don’t need that” or “You’re not as good as so-and-so” can stick with kids for years. Try saying things like, “I hear you” or “Let’s figure it out together.”
4. Take care of your own inner child
If you often feel triggered or overwhelmed, it might be your own past showing up. Get support if needed—through books, therapy, prayer, or trusted friends. Healing yourself helps your child thrive too.
How to Truly Heal, Not Just Compensate
Start by asking yourself:
“Am I doing this because I want it—or because I didn’t get it before?”
And if the answer is the second one, that’s okay. Just notice it. Speak kindly to that little boy or girl inside you. Say:
“I see you now. I’m here for you.”
That’s the beginning of real healing. It’s not about having more—it’s about feeling whole.
